Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
