you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
