Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
dude. I can hear the air.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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