Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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