If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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