Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
