My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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