I'm sorry my penis didn't work
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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