I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
