My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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