you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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