fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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