I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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