where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
