I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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