one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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