I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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