his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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