im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
