Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
