i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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