He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
