Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
...so i touched it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
