I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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