We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
