I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
