i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
