She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
