I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
