i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
