I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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