covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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