Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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