If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
