Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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