Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
