I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
