Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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