I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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