Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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