I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
