he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
