Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
God I need to hump something, right now.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
