Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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