That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
