i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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