I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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