I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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