I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
