gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
