i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
