Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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