My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
